Checking in - on a wait for a better day
I wanted to make it past that „one month in” blogger block, when a lot of people tend to stop, and you get really self-conscious about the content you’re putting out. But life happened, my medication seems to have a weaker effect on me every day, I have bad mood swings - threw the Easter ham from the kitchen down to the living room, as I got mad at my father getting all the wrong things from the grocery store, cause you know, I’m crazy. I don’t wash myself for days, unless I’m going out or my boyfriend comes over. At least I still fear the idea of other people finding me disgusting (why am I writing this post). I sometimes stay up at night to get high on my sleeping pills. This is the only way for me to actually do what I need to do. It makes me a superhuman. I don’t feel pain, I don’t feel hunger, I lose track of time, and gain a lot of energy, but I’m also not capable of thinking, I can only do robotic tasks. I’m aimlessly functioning, doing what people expect me to do. I don’t feel there’s a reason to do it for myself. Not because I don't deserve it, but because it feels pointless. Nothing happens, nothing changes, there’s no therapy, and there will be none in the future either, so I don’t feel like this goes anywhere. I’m really close to fucking up everything regarding school, I’m aware that every passing day is just bringing me closer to more failure. I’m reading random reddit threads, because I still want to feel connected to people. And I want to write here, because I want to make this blog happen. I started several times, I thought I had no writing style, no proper design, I don’t have a niche, a concrete topic to write about, everything felt unprofessional and like I’m setting up myself for failure. But I know I can’t get everything perfect from the start, no matter how much I delete my posts and start over. Noone’s reading now, I have to do it for myself. I force myself to actually publish my posts, even though I don’t have a camera, so my blog won’t get any real attention at this point. I’m even pretty sure that blogging is a dying genre, and those who start now won’t get as big as those who started in the Myspace days. At least not as a personal blog, without a Youtube channel and without serious social media exposure. But I force myself to not take down those posts, no matter how rubbish they feel after a few weeks. So I’m checking in to not get lost. Maybe someone someday will read this post, and know that they can take a break. Because sometimes life happens, drugs don’t work, therapy doesn’t take you forward, and you don’t seem to be able to take action. Sometimes it’s not a matter of effort. Sometimes you just have to wait for a better day.